Thursday, June 24, 2010

Yes, I am the "First Lady"

So. I guess I am officially a "First Lady" since
my husband was called to be Elders Quorum President in our ward a few weeks ago.
I know, I know.
Our sacrifice to serve the Lord will bring untold blessings to our family.
I don't want to hear it.
At least not yet.

I'm not trying to sound selfish, but, I guess I am.
We just barely scraped through years of separation during medical school,
then 3 horrific years of residency.
80+ hours a week he was working!
When he was home, he was so tired...he wasn't really "there".
I felt like a single Mom.
I was lonely.
and Angry.
I questioned whether or not our marriage was going to make it.

We had finally pulled through...
We had about 8 months where it felt like we were
finally getting to know each other again.
Where we were actually learning to love again.
We just had a new baby in January.
Life was really improving.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
Or does He?
Because I really question callings.
I'm not so sure I really have much of a testimony of callings at all.
In fact...Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure that I don't.

My husband got called to be the Elders Quorum President
in our ward a few weeks ago.
Why? Why him? Why now?

Meetings on Wednesday.
"Home Teaching 'Roundup'" on Thursday.
Working Urgent care on Friday...
Meetings ALL freakin' DAY on Sunday.
Now, for some reason, his work days start even earlier.
He keeps getting done even later because he is getting busier.

I feel like a single Mom.

When I told a few people that James got called to be EQ president,
you know what happened?
Women offered me CONDOLENCES.
Now, you tell me, is there something weird about that?
Of course there is.
Because, when men get called into leadership positions,
it makes (many of) us women-types NOT happy.
Because, the guys are all out at their meetings...
while us women stay at home alone,
with the kids,
a LOT.
Maybe some women love being with their kids alone all the time?
but NOT me...
(Don't get me wrong-because I LOVE my girls but...)
I like my space
(which I don't get much of)
I like to be with my husband
(which I don't get much of either).

-Now, my husband is in the "in crowd" at church.
He's bonding with the Bishop at "roundup" last night...
(You know, I'm pretty sure the Bishop doesnt even know MY name.
In fact, I'm pretty sure he's never said more than 2 words to me...
In fact, how can he comfortably take my husband from me,
without making the effort to get to know me too????)
I digress
-He's essential to the progression of the ward.
-In the know with everything going on.
-Planning activities.
-Chatting in the hallway at church with his new buddies.
-Going to his secret society church meetings.
etc. etc. etc.

Do I sound jealous?
I guess I am.
My husbands coworkers and the bishopric see my husband more than I do.
And I'm still in the "out crowd."
The one that'll be hanging out in the hallway, out by myself with a fussy baby.
I don't have any new buddies.
I'm not essential to anything except changing diapers.
OH, Do I sound jealous?
I guess I am.
The Lord has never found me worthy to be essential to the ward.
He's just found me worthy to be a relief society teacher.
Again. and again. and again.

Do I sound angry?
I guess I am.

I feel a rift forming between me and my ward "family."
I feel hurt and left out.
I feel discounted.
I feel like 'just' the babysitter.
I feel like 'just' a teacher.
I feel like 'just' a nobody.

Ok, so, I sound terribly bitter and cranky about the whole situation.
I suppose I am.

Ah, enjoy this post while you can.
It'll probably only be up until I feel
guilty about my rant.
(or until God strikes me with lightening.)
Then I'll delete it.


Adrienne said...

I'm sorry. I understand how you feel, and you absolutely have a right to have those feelings. I felt the same way when my husband went into youth ministry (plus his regular job.... plus I'm working too) I'm sorry that you're in a new place, and feeling so lonely. I don't know what to say to make it easier either. I'm praying for you! I hope God hasn't stuck you with lightning yet, and you get a chance to read my comment first! :o)

Melissa said...

I sure hope no one in my ward thinks of me as "just a relief society teacher!" I like my calling a lot, for many reasons. I like that I don't constantly have to be working on something like I'd have to if we had primary or young womens with their weekly activities. I like having the time to study the lessons I teach and apply them to my life before I try to relay the importance of them to someone else. I like that I can be creative in my lessons; last Sunday I turned part of the lesson into a play and had people come read their lines from a "script" in front of everyone. Am I perfect at my calling? No! Do I inspire others to be better? Maybe not. But I do know that it is important and not just another calling made up to keep me busy. If I'm the only one that benefits from my lesson, so be it!

You are important, Steph. I don't know what it's like to have a husband's time and attention taken away from me for callings (my never-ending trial seems to be waiting for a husband to even be a part of my life...), but I know that you're strong; don't let one moment of weakness throw you off - you can do it!

Love ya!

Kathleen said...

stephanie, I'm sorry you're feeling hurt, I don't really have anything to add, other than I remember you, I love reading your insites, especially the one about being a mom, and it's importance. I think all too often, I am caught not actually seeing my children, taking them to do things, or learn new skills, but not actually seeing or hearing them . . . I want to be present in the now, and be valued in their lives and the lives of those around me. How far do we live from each other now? . . . ;)