Friday, April 2, 2010

Absence makes the heart grow fonder or forgetful?

I haven't blogged lately, I haven't been on Facebook much lately, and actually, I haven't heard much from anybody lately. I guess people stay involved in their own lives that, unless I am a close family member or friend, I don't hear from them. Which I guess just goes to show that I don't have any close family members (except for my parents & husband) or close friends.
I wonder if anybody else ever feels like I do?

We were all sick for almost 2 weeks. Kayley had a double ear infection, Maggie had a terrible cough, and I had walking pneumonia. I cried in the mornings, when James had to go to work, and I had to get up and take care of my girls, and I had nobody here to help me. It was rough. In fact, it totally sucked when nobody called to even check on me to make sure I hadn't hacked up a lung and was laying there bleeding to death on the floor.
(Ok, a little dramatic, I know.)

Anyway as I looked back and reflected on those few weeks...
and this week when we were finally starting to feel better I realized:

I am living a life of quiet, boring, lonely anonymity here in Missouri.

I still haven't made any friends.
I've met a few ladies from Kayley's school...
all blonde, skinny ladies with perfect clothes.
Perfect hair. Perfect Complexions.
They are 'cliqued' so I they don't really talk to me.
They ooh and aww over Maggie, but then go back into their little group
shutting me out.

I've met a few ladies from church, but we are so geographically separated that it is nearly impossible to get together without a 30 minute drive. In fact, they majority of ladies my age live in Marshfield, so I am still deemed an 'outsider' I think...
Plus, when you add chuch friends - all the talk just revolves around "oh, so n' so is pregnant again", or "breast feeding blah-blah-blah" or my FAV "oh! let's get pregnant at the same time so we can be pregnant together!!!" Yes, I totally want to go to enrichment so I can learn all about pregnancy and breast feeding. Seriously, can't the church just start a La Leche League or something? Ugh.

Most of the people that I have met have a lot of family in this area too.
So, they get together with their sister(s) and hang out
or go have dinner with their parents (grandparents)
They have built in baby sitters
They all love each other and get along really well
and actually do things together.

I don't have that here.

(Which is strange, considering I am probably
related in some way to 50% of the people in the tri county area.)

I am pretty isolated, living just far enough out of town
that we don't have close neighbors that have children for Kayley to play with.
No sisters or sisters-in-law to just hang out with.
Certainly no babysitters.

So, I've spent a couple of weeks lamenting my situation,
then realized that my wallowing in self-pity wasn't helping anyone at all.
I noticed that my absence from Facebook didn't seem to be an issue,
except that my Farmville crops all died.
I think my lack of blogging probably only went noticed by my Mom.
In fact, nobody even leaves comments anymore so I'm not sure it is being
looked at by anybody but my Mom.
It is difficult to keep up blogging when nobody is giving me any feedback.
Where did everybody go?

I also discovered that I was making giddy and desperate conversation with the ladies in the check-out lines and other people in stores who have no choice but to talk with you.
Their polite smiles, pasted on their faces, gave me a few minutes of reassurance that I hadn't lost my ability to communicate with other grown ups. That maybe I was still a nice, likeable person?
Still, I wonder, has anybody else been in this situation before?

I also realized that I was chattering James' ear off when he got home from work.
(And he works a LOT - several evening and Saturday shifts at Urgent Care,
church meetings on Wednesday nights, etc)
So, he listens to me (I think).
But, he's my husband...and well...he's a guy.
(Enough said)

So, I guess that leaves me back where I started.
Press on I suppose. What else can I do?

I replanted my Farm.
I even TP'd my Mom's barn yesterday...

I'll get back to blogging.
I'm not sure anybody is looking, but I will do it for the sake of keeping a record of my little family, for my 2 dearest birthmoms, and for anybody else who might be looking - which is probably just my parents...and maybe James' parents.

I'll probably go to enrichment even though I'm sick of hearing about
pregnancy and breast-feeding.

I'll probably still chat my husbands ear off...
and prattle on and on to the check out ladies.

Either way, I'm shaking off my self-pity and moving on.
I'm a self-starter, I'll figure something out eventually.
I still have my greatest treasures and blessings
and that is enough for me.




11 comments:

Stephanie said...

Oh, I'm still here! I love reading your blogs and looking at your pictures, and if you lived nearby, I am sure we'd be fast friends.

Stephanie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stephanie said...

Sorry for the double post. I deleted it. :)

The Wendler Family said...

I'm still here!
Oh Stephanie, you are not alone. I have felt like that. It is not a good feeling. My kids are on the mend from what was more than a month of ongoing sickness. It can be exhausting. Thankfully we are feeling better.
What part of MO do you live in? One of my dear friends is moving to MO for the summer(Columbia MO?? Close? far? let me know.), she has a 10 month old and is going to be like you have described, no family, no friends, home alone all day. I hope she will be some place close to you, that would be wonderful! I could have you two meet and be friends. If not, then know there will be another woman just like you, and that you're not alone.
As I think about it, I take Amelia to dance and it is very much the same situation, all the other moms waiting are blond, perfect cloths, etc, thankfully we talk, so I have some adult conversation every now and again. ;)
I'm sorry all the women in your ward don't talk about anything other than pregnancy and breast feeding. That would get old REALLY fast.
So no neighbors that have kids/stay at home? I guess my only suggestion is to pour your heart out to your Heavenly Father and ask him for a friend.
Hang in there!

Mary said...

Stephanie,

I totally missed your posts! I didn't reach out because you and I have never really communicated all that frequently, but I've always got your back! You seem like you have your hands full, and I assumed you were just keeping busy and maybe having some adventures that kept you away from the blogging world. I know I am having a hard time scheduling blogging into my week, and I don't have two kids like you do.

I am sorry you feel lonely out there, and I am sure this is a rough time for you to feel that way because so much is being demanded of you (as a mother of two, a wife, etc.)

I love Trevor to pieces, but for the first couple months after he was born, I'd be lying if I said the time shut up indoors with him, isolated from others, wasn't just a little maddening. Hopefully, when Maggie is a little bit older, it will be easier to get out, meet, and connect with people.

It may not mean much, but I am sending you hugs long distance. AZ misses you!

Bre said...

Sorry you are feeling lonely! Being sick and having sick kids should just be against natural law or something. Hope you and your family feel better soon! Have a Happy Easter and I hope you enjoy conference!

Danny and Sherry said...

Well, that makes me feel good about not being included in the "close family" connection :( . We have all been where you are, just cause we have always lived here does not make us instantly popular, happy, well-loved, cared-for or even checked-on. I had not seen or talked to my father in a month, I average working 60 hours a week, I do well to briefly look at Facebook in the evenings. Everyone is very busy right now, I would love to see you guys more, but time is a huge issue, I do well to see my grandboys every 2 weeks. Maybe you don't believe this, but I did wonder about you and why you weren't blogging, I figured you were dealing with sick little ones. By the time we work, Danny has classes, get the bills paid, the laundry done, be on call every other week, which means I can't leave Laclede county, we don't have time for much. I miss you and do look forward to your blogs, just as a way to see the little girls and how they are growing. I wish we could all stay home and have lot's of social time together, but in the time of high cost of efverything, it seems like we all have to work our butts off to make ends meet. Hang in there girl and thing will get better. Love you lots!

Kelsey said...

I'm still reading too! I noticed you went AWOL for a bit, but as I've NEVER posted to our own family blog in the last year and a half since we set it up I figured I haven't got the ground to stand on to complain! Hah! But I enjoy your posts, so thanks for keeping at it. I can relate to this last post, it's tough sometimes. But you are charming and talented and a lovely mother and wife, so I'm sure soon enough you'll find that things have changed in the ways you need. In the meantime you've got a lot of people cheering you on...just maybe from far away?! :)

Melissa said...

I can totally relate to feeling alone... I moved to California just 3 weeks ago, and I don't have friends that are within an hour's drive! I've only been able to attend my ward once, and now that conference is upon us and I'm traveling the weekend after that I feel like I'll be forgotten by the few people who even acknowledged that I was alive! I spend most days at home looking for jobs online, and I'm going crazy! Gas here is so expensive that I don't like to drive much so I can save my $, so I end up not doing anything. I hope things improve soon! And don't stop blogging - it's one thing I look forward to reading!

Jen said...

I think most of the time we (as women, in particular) tend to feel that we are the only ones that are left out or having these kinds of feelings, but in reality, it's something that everyone goes through. For me, sometimes I just need to realize that while I've been sitting around wondering why no one's helping me and making me feel better, that someone else is probably waiting around wondering the same thing. If I try to be the one to reach out and make the efforts, it usually helps someone else and me at the same time.

Don't get too discouraged. It sounds a lot like new baby blues combined with being sick, living in a new place and maybe the winter blahs that come before spring really gets into full swing. Everything seems bleak, but it WILL get better. It always does. Try not to be too hard on your family/friends... everyone is just doing the best they can to get through every day. And we're not always good about thinking about people other than ourselves. Not that that's a good thing, but it's a truth, nonetheless.

I think of you often, love reading your blog, and am glad to be "in touch" with you through this since as you know I'm terrible about being in touch any other way. Hang in there!

Kathleen said...

I'm sorry Stephanie, I do drop by to check on your beautiful family when I am blog surfing. I'm sorry you're so isolated, and not feeling well, and for lack of a better word "New." I kind of hate that faze, the new-to-the-area-breaking-in-to-a-click-feeling-home stage. I hope the acclamation moves quicker. I hate that feeling. :(